


In Life after Life

by TooSel



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Universes, Angst, Grief, Happy Ending, M/M, Multiverse, Pining, Prostitution, Reincarnation, Sickness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-09 18:16:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14721138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooSel/pseuds/TooSel
Summary: "And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you."Harvey keeps watching the man he loves walk away from him. There are, after all, so many different ways to die.





	In Life after Life

Sometimes Harvey wonders how many lifetimes it will take to finally get it right.

He remembers too many of them. Too many failures, too many ways his heart has broken in his chest, too many moments he has closed his eyes for the last time, the bitter regret of a wasted life lingering on his tongue.

Sometimes he wonders if he will ever get it right at all.

Harvey keeps watching the man he loves walk away from him.

He should be used to it by now. The pain should fade, be nothing more than the dull thudding sensation of an old bruise. It should remain a lingering ache at most, not a fresh stab in the gut every time, because it’s not the first time this is happening by far. Harvey knows it won't be the last time either.

There are, after all, so many different ways to die.

*

The first time it happens, Harvey doesn’t understand what is going on. He doesn’t know what the fleeting pictures in his head are, why they keep coming back, or why they stir emotions in him that feel older than he is by a long shot.

Those are not memories, he convinces himself. Those are just images his mind must have made up.

They _feel_ like memories, though. They feel the same way his childhood memories do, slightly blurred and impalpable, but still an integral part of him somehow.

It doesn’t make sense.

Why the hell would he have memories of his own death? Why would he have memories of a life that is so much like his own and yet isn’t?

It must be some psychological thing, caused by too much stress or too little sleep or any of the dozen other bad habits he has. He’s heard of people having memories of things that never happened. It’s probably natural. It probably won’t happen again.

He is wrong.

It happens again. And again.

As he finds out, there are so many ways to die.

*

Sometimes Harvey remembers. Sometimes he doesn’t.

Sometimes he knows right away, like he knows that he has two arms and two legs and you’re supposed to listen to your parents and look after your brother. Sometimes he remembers flashes, bits and pieces of his previous lives that don’t make sense at first, but start to add up the second he meets the man that introduces himself as Rick Sorkin.

Sometimes it dawns on him gradually, the picture becoming clearer with every passing day until he can finally grasp the whole.

Sometimes he doesn’t remember until it’s already too late, until he’s bleeding out or decaying in a hospital bed and Mike’s grief-ridden eyes are above him and he thinks, _I’ve seen that before_.

Harvey hates those lives the most. It takes him a few of them to realize that whether he knows or not doesn’t really make a difference.

*

In this life, Mike chooses Rachel and marries her before he leaves Harvey for good. Harvey gets to be his best man and it should be enough, enough to make up for the stabbing pain of seeing the one he loves declaring his love for someone else in front of the whole world.

It’s not.

Harvey tries his hardest not to get drunk at the reception. He is the first at the bar after Rachel and Mike have spoken the words tying them together for life. He has another drink when Mike tells him that he’s not coming back, ever. Another one when he watches the happy couple sharing their first dance, whispering something to each other before they giggle, entirely caught up in their bubble of bliss.

He stops when the alcohol threatens to loosen his tongue too much and bears the pain instead. It wasn’t getting better anyway.

Harvey always has to keep his guard up. That’s one constant in each of his lives that never changes.

What a funny concept, he muses as Mike walks out of the hall and out of his life, his hand firmly locked with Rachel’s, not looking back once.

This is not the first time the man he loves walks away from him.

Harvey didn’t know before today. He only realized when Mike said _I do_ and the memories came back to him in a rush, rendering him unable to breathe, that he’s seen this before. That the way his heart broke in his chest wasn’t new, but rather achingly, intimately familiar.

Of course, having to deal with the intolerable pain of one lifetime isn’t enough.

Figures.

*

It doesn’t always go like that.

In this life, Mike leaves to work for Sidwell and doesn’t return. It’s not Rachel he marries, who finds her happiness with Logan Sanders. No, Mike meets some other woman at his new job that he falls in love with instead.

She’s nice enough. Beautiful, too. A bit bland for Harvey’s taste, but it’s not like he sees much of her.

They settle down.

 _Anyone else,_ a voice in Harvey’s head taunts him. _Anyone but you._

He convinces himself that Mike just doesn’t feel that way, that it’s impossible for him to ever return what Harvey gives him life after life after life.

Why the universe can’t just accept that and move on, he doesn’t know.

*

Most things, when Harvey remembers, are the same. He is always a lawyer. Jessica always plucks him from the mail room. His mother always breaks his heart long before any other person gets the chance to, and knowing what’s coming doesn’t really make it easier to bear. Mike is always a screwup who finds Harvey in the most crucial moment, fighting his way through the shit until he’s on top.

Harvey always falls for Mike, with his big brain and even bigger heart and the total unawareness of the place he has carved himself inside Harvey’s bones.

He doesn’t always put a name on it. Sometimes he ignores the fluttering in his stomach, deliberately looks the other way when his eyes are drawn to the dimples on Mike’s cheeks as he smiles or the hair sticking out from his head after a long night at the office. He doesn’t acknowledge it for what it is every time.

He still knows, though.

*

Another life.

Mike doesn’t settle down with Rachel in this one. It happens less often than Harvey would have thought, though he doesn’t know if it really means anything.

He doesn’t settle down with a woman at all.

The day he introduces Harvey to his fiancé with a nervous smile and fidgety hands, Harvey’s heart briefly stops beating before it shatters into a thousand pieces.  
  
Mike is thankfully too occupied with himself to notice.  
  
His boyfriend – fiancé, apparently – picks up on his nervousness too. He takes his hand to squeeze it gently. They exchange a smile that is so tender and loving that Harvey wants to throw up.

“What do you think you’re doing, getting married without ever telling me you were seeing anyone?” he makes himself say, and the relief on Mike’s face that he doesn’t mind that it’s a man almost crushes him.

Oh, he minds. But for an entirely different reason than Mike thinks.

So Harvey swallows the needles pricking holes into his lungs and meets Mike’s fiancé with a charming smile, and it’s all so sweet and picture goddamn perfect that he thinks he might have thrown up for real if the hollowness in his stomach didn’t take up all the space there.

So many different ways to die. The worst, by far, are the ones that don’t actually kill him.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” he asks later while Mike’s fiancé talks to Donna outside. “Did you think I would care?”

“No, not really.” Mike lifts his shoulders a little. “It’s not that I’m ashamed, you know? But it’s still… not easy, facing all the stigma and prejudices, especially in a working environment like ours.”

Oh, Harvey knows it. Better than Mike thinks. Better than he’ll ever know.

“You can never be sure how people react,” he continues. “I’ve had some bad surprises. So I just didn’t bring it up. I tend to lean more towards women anyway, so I always told myself, you’ll do it when the time comes. It may have been a cowardly approach, but… I didn’t actually think I’d ever have to come out, you know? I didn’t think I would ever have this, with a man.” A soft smile spreads on his face as he looks outside. “Until I met him.”

Harvey feels like he swallowed glass.

“I’m so happy for you,” he gets out and somehow manages to make it sound like his heart isn’t breaking as he says it. “You deserve to live openly, as who you are. And if anyone ever gives you any shit, you come straight to me, you got it?”

Mike’s smile cuts right into him. “Thanks, Harvey.”

Harvey holds his gaze as long as he can before he has to look away.

It’s not untrue. He is happy for Mike, and he wants him to live the life he deserves. But that doesn’t make the words taste like bile any less. Neither does it make seeing Mike with another man any easier.

The wedding takes place in a beautiful hall in the spring of the following year. Mike is surrounded by people who love and support him on his special day, keeps tearing up, and holds his husband’s hand the entire time.

Harvey gets to be the best man again.

It’s even worse than last time.

He is almost glad when he reaches the end of that life, many, many years later and without ever having felt Mike’s touch the way his husband did day after day.

At least he doesn’t have to see him being happy with another man any longer.

*

Harvey and Scottie manage to work things out in this one. _That’s a first,_ Harvey thinks. It’s nice, though. He does love her. Not in the way he loves Mike, but enough for him not to feel like he’s lying to them both.

And now Mike is the one who never settles down. The years go by, and Harvey isn’t unhappy, but he feels a little hollower with every passing year that Mike is by himself.

He thought that Mike would have someone by his side too. He thought that he would settle down anyway, and so it wouldn’t matter if Harvey was with someone or not. If he’d known he’d stay single, he would have made a different choice, and he thought that maybe, just maybe…

Doesn’t matter what he thought.

It was a stupid idea anyway.

The years go by, and regret pools in Harvey’s stomach every time he looks at Mike.

It should be a consolation that the older they get, the less often he sees him.

It’s not.

They drift apart, and it kills Harvey in ways he couldn’t have imagined. Knowing he’s there, just out of reach, that there is the smallest possibility of something between them that he nipped in the bud before it ever got a chance to bloom, is a special kind of torture.

It’s not that he doesn’t like being with Scottie. The two of them work surprisingly well together, and it’s nice, but the touch he craves at the end of the day is still different from the one he gets, and no matter what he does, his awareness of that fact never subsides.

Another missed chance.

At least, a voice in his head reminds him, it won’t be his last one.

*

There are so many different ways to die.

The cruelest one, Harvey thinks, is the life where he gets killed in a car crash. Not for him. He doesn't give a shit about how he dies anymore, hasn't for a long time, though he still prefers a painless death to… that.

No, this tragedy is Mike's entirely. Because he may not love Harvey the way Harvey loves him, but he still cares about him, and it’s not fair that he has to lose someone else this way when the wounds from the first time never quite healed.

It’s not fair.

As Harvey bleeds out, the sirens of an ambulance sounding in the distance – too slow, way too slow – he thinks that none of this is fair to either of them.

He tries to move his arms, to keep pressure on the wounds, to stop the bleeding, but his body won’t respond, simply refuses to cooperate.

_Not fair._

Harvey may not be a good person. He may not deserve much. But he deserves better than this. He deserves better than drawing his last breath in the wreckage of a car, he deserves better than knowing that when he dies everything will just start over again, he deserves better than to spend life after life with the certain knowledge that the one thing he wants more than anything is the one thing he is never going to get.

But fairness was never what this was about. Not for either of them, it seems.

*

A steady beeping pulls Harvey out of his sleep.

It takes him a while to fight his way through the haze in his mind. When he finally opens his eyes, he is greeted by the slightly blurred sight of bleak white walls.

The beeping doesn’t stop. Harvey frowns, blinking a few times before a sound somewhere to his right catches his attention.

His heart skips a beat when he lays eyes on Mike.

He is slumped in a chair next to him, moved from its spot to allow him closer proximity. He’s awake, his eyes glued to Harvey’s face, but the relief on it is overshadowed by an exhaustion that Harvey can’t remember ever having seen on him before.

“You’re awake.”

 _Obviously_ , Harvey wants to say. His tongue is heavy, his mouth uncomfortably dry, but he forces himself to speak anyway.

“Good god. What happened to you?”

Mike’s forehead creases. Harvey blinks as his wits slowly return to him – too slow, something’s not right – and he looks around again. He recognizes his surroundings now, not because he has been here before but because the furnishing leaves no room for doubt.

Hospital. He’s in a hospital bed, and Mike is by his side, looking like he hasn’t slept in days.

Harvey’s eyes drop down his body. “I guess the better question is, what happened to _me?_ ”

It’s not the car crash. That was another life. That was _ages_ ago.

Mike cracks a smile that Harvey doesn’t buy for the life of him. “You don’t remember?”

Harvey doesn’t, but considering the circumstances he found himself in, he can take a wild guess.

“I’m sick?”

That would explain the sluggishness of his brain. He’s probably high on morphine or something comparable.

He _feels_ sick, now that he thinks about it. His body feels off, probably dulled by the medication, but underneath that is a weight that seems to drag his limbs down, a weakness that has snuck into his bones. It’s rather unpleasant.

Mike’s jaw twitches. “Yeah. Lung cancer.”

Harvey winces.

Funnily enough, he isn’t all that shocked by the diagnosis. Maybe because he doesn’t remember anything from this life, but he remembers all the other ones, and he knows that it was always going to end like this. His death is inevitable.

Had to be cancer sometime.

“That’s funny. I don’t smoke.”

He doesn’t actually know that, but he has never smoked in any of his other lives save for the occasional joint, so he thinks it’s a safe assumption. It’s one of the constants that never seem to change, like Pearson Hardman, or Mike, or the dying before he ever gets to tell him what he wants to say.

Mikes mouth is a thin line. “Nothing about this is funny, Harvey,” he says, and the slight crack of his voice brings him firmly back down to earth.

No, of course it isn’t.

“Sorry,” he mutters, waving his hand as he tries to sit up. It’s not as easy as he thought it would be. “My head’s just- I can’t think straight. I don’t know what…”

Mike slides to the edge of his seat, the frown etched into his forehead as he supports him. “They gave you quite the dosage of pain killers,” he explains quietly. “You were out for a while. No wonder you don’t remember anything.”

The sight of his face is enough to tell Harvey that it’s better this way. He’s probably not missing out on much.

Looking at Mike’s slumped shoulders, he can’t help but feel guilty. Whatever Harvey has been through, it’s clearly getting to him. He would gladly remember everything if it meant that Mike could forget.

“I’m sorry, Mike,” he says again, more serious this time.

He may not get a chance to say all the other things, but he will say this while he still can.

Mike’s face turns incredulous.

“What for? You didn’t do anything. Stop apologizing.”

The anger in his voice surprises Harvey, though it probably shouldn’t. He knows it’s not directed at him, not really.

At his silence, Mike sighs, his shoulders slumping further as he runs a hand over his face.

Harvey has never seen him look so defeated, and it hurts more than his own body giving up on him. He resists the urge to apologize again, instead reaching out to cover his hand.

Mike looks away, not meeting Harvey’s eyes. They sit in silence. Harvey quietly shakes his head at the fact that this is what it took for him to get to hold Mike’s hand.

“How long?” he finally breaks the silence.

Mike’s face falls further. Harvey almost regrets that he asked, but he needs to know. He can feel himself getting drowsy again, the fleeting images filling his head only adding to the dizziness. He doesn’t know how much longer he will be awake, if he will remember this the next time he wakes up.

If there is a next time he wakes up.

“Not long,” Mike tells him tonelessly.

“Right,” is all Harvey says. There isn’t a single thing he can think of.

With nothing to distract them from what they both feel in their bones, the sickening awareness that time is running out, the silence grows oppressive around them.

Harvey has never felt this heavy. And once again the tragedy is not his own, and he hates the fact more than anything, hates that he gets to leave and start over while Mike has to stay behind and deal with the aftermath.

He’s used to his own tragedy by now. He will never get used to Mike’s.

He aches for him, for the pain he will cause him, and suddenly he is filled by the desperate desire to make it go away for just one moment, to be with him and enjoy it without the imminent grief looming over them.

“Let’s talk,” Harvey says. Mike meets his eyes.

“What do you want to talk about?”

 _Whatever you want,_ Harvey wants to tell him. _Just tell me something._ He can’t think of anything to say, his thoughts growing slower with every passing second.

“I don’t know. I’m tired.”

Mike inhales shakily. The hand beneath Harvey’s twitches with barely concealed emotion, and Harvey realizes that he never let go. It doesn’t matter anyway.

“I know.” He swallows. “It’s okay. You can close your eyes.”

Harvey turns his head to him. “Mike…”

“It’s okay,” he repeats, his voice thick. He’s putting on his brave face for Harvey. He’s pretending it’s alright when it’s anything but, as if Harvey can’t see right through him. “I’ll be here.”

That’s the worst part.

Harvey is too tired to argue, though. He squeezes Mike’s hand instead of replying, fleetingly mourning the fact that they never got to have that last conversation. He really would have liked that.

Mike returns the pressure, squeezing so tight that he almost doesn’t feel him trembling. If Harvey’s heart could break any further, it would shatter into a million pieces. He closes his eyes, holding on as long as he can.

He doesn’t notice when he falls asleep.

Harvey’s lungs give out that very night, only a few hours later. He would have been relieved, if Mike hadn’t stayed by his side the whole damn time. Going is never easy, but with Mike right there, it’s the hardest thing he has ever had to do.

Despite remembering nothing else about it, that life is one of Harvey’s worst.

*

This time he knows, from the moment he develops conscious thought.

He grows up in the same old house with the creaking staircase he always does, knowing that there is a Mike Ross out there waiting for him somewhere. He fights through his battles in high school, his battles at home, his battles in the mail room and later Harvard Law, and finally through the ranks at Pearson Hardman until he holds the cards with his name and the words _senior partner_ in his hands, knowing that Mike is awaiting him at the end of the road.

Harvey is going to tell him this time. He remembers everything, all the opportunities that came and passed and how it hurt to never speak the words burning on his tongue. He doesn’t know if it will actually change anything. Maybe he is going to die anyway and Mike will suffer regardless of what he did or didn’t say, regardless of whether he wanted to hear those words from him or not. But maybe this is what Harvey needs to do to break the cycle. Maybe this is why he keeps getting thrown back into this life. He won’t know if he doesn’t try, and Harvey has had enough of not knowing.

The only problem is that Mike doesn’t show up.

Harvey frowns when he interviews the Harvard graduates and no Rick Sorkin appears, but a Mike Ross doesn’t either. Something must be different this time around then. Maybe Mike didn’t screw up in this life. Maybe he is at Harvard right now, working hard to be the best lawyer Harvey has ever seen without any deceptions. If he is, Harvey is going to wait for him. He has waited all his life, after all. What’s another year or two?

Harvey hires one of the Harvard douches at random, not caring all that much. If it’s not Mike, it doesn’t really matter who it is.

The years go by. No Mike Ross ever applies to Pearson Hardman. Harvey asks around a little, but there’s no one by that name at any other firm in the city.

Maybe he didn’t study the law after all. Maybe they meet in a different way this time.

Only that they never do.

He makes name partner, and Mike is not there to celebrate with him. Harvey finds himself staring at every stranger’s face passing him on the street, hoping to recognize Mike in any of them.

Jessica leaves, and still there is no sign of him. At one point Harvey has enough. He does some research, starting with the accident that killed Mike’s parents in 1992.

He doesn’t have to go any further.

James and Nina Ross were not the only ones who died that night. Mike was in the car with them.

Harvey spent all these years waiting for a ghost to show up. Mike is already dead _._

It shakes Harvey to his very core.

There is no way to explain to anyone what is going on with him, why his world has suddenly stopped turning when nothing at all has changed, only everything has.

He mourns a loss that happened thirty years ago, mourns the possibilities that Mike lost when he died before he ever got the chance to live, the person that is missing from him like a vital organ.

It’s a long life for Harvey. He feels Mike’s absence in his bones every day until he finally stops breathing too. He doesn’t know if his plans had anything to do with what happened, but he’s had years and years to convince himself that somehow he’s the one to blame for this.

Harvey never tries to stop the cycle again.

*

The chatter of the people around him is almost loud enough to drown out the oppressive music from the speakers. Harvey sits at the bar, letting the sounds wash over him as he nurses his drink.

This is not his usual place, but it’s been a long week, two cases keeping him on his toes, and when he finally got out of the office that night, he didn’t feel like going home just yet. This bar was the first to catch his attention on the way, and so he decided to step inside.

His eyes idly follow the other guests around as the warmth of the alcohol spreads in him. It’s more of a pastime than actual interest. He’s not exactly in the mood to pick someone up tonight, though he could be persuaded if the right person came along.

So far he hasn’t seen anyone, and at one point he gives up looking, but the drink is good, so he decides to stay a while.

Harvey is on his second scotch when the voice carries through the noisy room to where he sits.

It’s been so long since he heard it, but he recognizes Mike the instant it sounds, like the remaining noises of the bar fade away in comparison.

_There you are._

It’s enough to settle the restlessness in him that follows him around wherever he goes. It’s exhilarating and calming at the same time, a bit like coming home too, and Harvey smiles, thanking whatever random twist of fate brought him here tonight.

He savors the moment of anticipation, taking another sip of his drink before he turns his head to look.

Mike is right there, just a few seats away. Talking to some guy before slumping against the counter, looking tired and vaguely troubled, but it’s undeniably him, the light hair, the curve of his nose, the shape of his lips that Harvey knows by heart.

Like the pull of one magnet to another, Harvey couldn’t tear his eyes away from him if he’d tried.

He doesn’t think much further, doesn’t form any conscious thought other than _Mike_ and _finally_ , so it’s not really a surprise when he eventually catches him looking.

Adrenaline shoots through Harvey, but he doesn’t look away, wondering how this is going to play out. Will they get talking? Is that how he ends up hiring him in this life?

Mike holds his gaze, and when neither of them looks away he smiles and slides off his chair. Intrigued, Harvey takes a sip of his drink.

“Hey there,” Mike says, tilting his head. “What’s your name?”

“Harvey.” Pressing his lips together, he asks, “Yours?”

“I’m Mike.”

Harvey smiles at him. “Nice to meet you, Mike.”

“Likewise. You, uh, come here often? I haven’t seen you around.”

Harvey laughs. _I haven’t seen you around either,_ he wants to say.

“No, this isn’t my usual spot.”

“You like it here?”

Harvey gives him a look, not knowing where this is going, but Mike just keeps smiling.

“It’s alright,” Harvey says lightly, distracted by the way his body is angled towards him.

“Were you looking for some… company?”

“Not particularly. I don’t mind, though,” he adds before Mike can get the wrong idea.

“Don’t you.” Mike hums, licking his lips. “In that case, how would you feel about getting out of here? I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”

Harvey blinks at him. “Excuse me?”

Mike puts his hand over Harvey’s. “I’m asking,” he murmurs, “if you want to take me somewhere I can keep you company for the night. It’s going to cost you a little, but judging by the clothes you’re wearing, that won’t be a problem for you.”

Harvey withdraws his hand like he’s been burned, unable to keep his features under control. The growing suspicion in his stomach makes him feel sick. “I’m sorry, are you propositioning what I think you are?”

“You want me to spell it out for you? I mean, if that’s what gets you going, I can totally do that…”

The wave of nausea hitting Harvey renders him unable to move.

It’s not supposed to be this way.

Mike always comes to him at his lowest, always needs someone to help him out of the gutter, but never, never like this.

It’s not supposed to be this way. This is _wrong_.

_Wrong, wrong, wrong._

“No,” Harvey says involuntarily.

Mike blinks at him, then straightens, the smile slipping from his face.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to- I assumed you were interested because of the look you gave me. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I’ll just…”

“Wait,” Harvey says before he can turn away, suddenly desperate. “How much do you need?”

Mike furrows his brow. “What-“

“Cut the crap,” Harvey says sharply, just so managing to make it sound like he isn’t begging. “I know you’re doing this because you need money. How much is it?”

Mike’s face closes off as he backs away.

“Listen, I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but-“

“How much do you charge?” Harvey interrupts, exasperated.

“200 per hour,” Mike tells him after a beat, his look a mix of defiant and challenging.

“I’ll pay you double,” Harvey offers immediately.

Mike’s eyes widen. Then his expression grows suspicious. “Why? What do you want me to do?”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing you aren’t comfortable with. Look, I’ll pay you upfront. I’ll give it to you in writing if you want. Just, please. Will you come with me?”

Mike searches his face, clearly trying to figure out what’s behind the offer. Harvey sighs, getting out his wallet.

“500 upfront. If you stay another hour, you’ll get 500 more. I’m not trying to pull you over the barrel. Jesus, kid. Just take it.”

He waves the money in front of Mike until he snatches it out of his hand, looking around before he wrinkles it in his fist.

“If you start pulling any shit…”

“I won’t. You can decide where we go if you don’t trust me. You can leave at any point. The money is yours anyway.”

Mike still looks uncertain, but his grip on the bill is tight, and he finally stuffs his hand into his pocket, stiffly nodding towards the exit.

“There’s a hotel right around the corner.”

“Lead the way,” Harvey tells him, sliding off his chair.

They spend the short walk in silence. Though he’s relieved that he got this far, Harvey is still swamped. His head is racing, trying to figure out what he should do next, how to handle this situation without scaring Mike away.

They get a room. Harvey goes in first, looking over his shoulder when Mike hovers in the doorway.

“You can stay there if you’re more comfortable on that side of the room. Take a chair, sit by the door, I don’t really care. I’ll be over here. I won’t be touching you, no matter what.”

He drops in one of the chairs by the window, deliberately deciding against taking off his jacket. Mike watches him suspiciously, but when he sees that nothing else happens, he finally takes a few steps into the room and sinks into the chair closest to the door. Harvey’s heart aches at the sight, at the fact that he’s in a position where he has to think about things like these, but it also calms him, if only marginally. At least Mike knows how to take care of himself.

“No offense, dude, but there are some fucked up people out there.”

“I know. I’m trying to keep you away from those, believe me. And don’t call me dude.”

Mike huffs, but his shoulders slump slightly as he leans back. He looks around the room, his leg bouncing. Finally he glances back at Harvey, who has been watching him the entire time. It’s been too long since he saw him, and even if he never wanted it to be in these circumstances, he can’t stop looking at him, drinking in all the details of his appearance.

“So what now? What am I doing here?”

 _For one, not selling your body to strangers_ , Harvey thinks. He doesn’t say it, instead tilting his head. “Tell me your story.”

Mike scoffs. “This is what you’re paying so much money for? For someone to tell you a story?”

“I’m not interested in anyone telling me just any story. I want you to tell me _yours_. You can skip the lies and the sugarcoating. I only want the truth.”

Mike eyes him. “It’s not a happy story,” he finally says.

“Believe it or not, I kind of figured that out. I wanna hear it anyway.”

“Suit yourself,” Mike mutters. And then he starts talking. It’s nothing Harvey hasn’t heard before, his parents, his grandmother, that son of a bitch Trevor knocking him into a different life, only this time it’s an even darker path than before.

This time Mike is already knees deep in shit, the drug dealing more than a onetime gig. He glosses over that bit, but Harvey is good at reading between the lines. His vague explanation of how he got into this particular mess isn’t exactly satisfying, but his face closes off at that part, and Harvey knows better than to dig deeper.

“So here I am,” he finishes, pursing his lips as he stares at a point somewhere behind him. “I know you probably don’t believe me with the memory thing and my grandmother, but I-“

“I believe you,” Harvey interrupts, repeating more gently when Mike’s eyes snap to his, “I believe you.”

He lets out a deep breath, tapping his hand against the chair as he thinks. His gaze finds Mike’s again, and he stills his hand, sitting up straight as he braces himself.

He knows exactly what he has to do now. He just doesn’t know how to sell it to Mike yet.

“If there was a way out of this, would you take it?”

Mike throws him a look. “Depending on what it is, I guess,” he states carefully.

Harvey represses a sigh. “I’m not trying to hire you as my personal slave or something. There’s no hidden meaning here, it’s an honest question. Would you or wouldn’t you like a chance to leave this behind?”

Mike’s jaw twitches. “I would,” he finally says, his voice clipped.

“Then how do you feel about the idea of working for me?”

Mike frowns. “What are you talking about?”

Harvey exhales deeply, trying to calm his fluttering nerves. They’ve done this dozens and dozens of times before. It shouldn’t feel any different.

But it is. This time it’s not Mike asking to be given this chance. This time it’s Harvey begging him to take it. This time he is not even proposing anything illegal, and yet there is so much more at stake.

“I’m a lawyer,” he explains. “I’m with one of the best firms in this city. I want you to come work for me. I guarantee you that I’ll pay you better than this ever will.”

And if he has to take every last dollar out of his own pocket.

Mike’s face is a perfect image of incredulity. “You’re offering me a job? Like, an actual job that pays enough to cover my grandmother’s exorbitant medical bills. Just like that.”

“Yes.”

He shakes his head. “Why? You don’t even _know_ me. I’m just some guy who was ready to suck your dick for some cash tonight. Why the fuck are you doing this?”

Harvey does his best not to flinch at the way Mike talks about himself.

 _Because I know you_ , he wants to tell him, the urge to make him see almost overwhelming him. _Because I know you’re worth it, I know you deserve better, I know you can do so much more with your life than this._

“You told me about your memory,” he says instead. “That’s rather impressive. With the work I do, I could use someone with your brain. And you could use the chance. It only makes sense.”

 _Say yes, say yes, say yes,_ he begs silently. _Please, just say yes._

Mike is quiet, looking anything but convinced, and so Harvey leans forwards and continues, “Look, I’m offering you the opportunity of a lifetime here. You said you wanted to work with the law. I can make that happen for you. You don’t have to sign anything tonight. You don’t even have to decide. Just tell me, are you interested or not?”

It’s shrewd, dangling his dream right in front of him, but Harvey has to work with what he’s got here.

Mike tries hard to keep the longing off his face, but Harvey catches it anyway. A flicker of hope rises in him.

“I guess I am,” Mike mutters.

Harvey lets out a deep breath. Halfway there.

“There’s something else.”

Mike’s expression darkens. “I knew it. What’s the catch?”

“Nothing like what you’re imagining. The job I want you for is technically for consultations, but I want you to function as my partner. On eye level. If you’re as good as you say you are, you’ll be able to handle it. You’ll essentially be working as my associate, just under the name of legal consultant.”

“And that’s legal.”

“We’ll make sure that everything is perfectly in accordance with the law,” Harvey assures him.

Mike kneads his hands. “Look, man, I just don’t want to get into trouble. I can’t leave my grandmother on her own.”

“And selling yourself is less of a risk how?”

Mike’s face shutters.

“I know this comes as a surprise,” Harvey hurries to say, “and it’s a lot to process, but we’re not doing anything illegal. You won’t get in trouble. You _will_ get the chance to do something much more suited for someone with a mind like yours. You don’t really want to spend the rest of your life on the streets and you know it. You could put that brain to good use instead of letting it waste away. You could make a difference. Help people.”

He saved that one, appealing to Mike’s weak spot as a last resort. It seems to work. Mike is still frowning, but his eyes snap to Harvey’s, and in the silence that follows he can see him wanting to give in.

Harvey stays quiet, letting him carry out the fight on his own.

Mike’s throat bobs as he swallows. “I don’t even know who you are,” he finally says.

 _It doesn’t matter_ , Harvey wants to tell him. _I know who you are._

“I’m Harvey Specter,” he says instead, the relief flooding his system leaving him dizzy. “And you’re going to know exactly who I am.”

*

There are so many different ways to die.

Harvey has gone through most of them by now, or so he thinks. The universe has a way of proving him wrong, though.

This time he loses Mike to prison. Really, properly loses him. Gallo was too fast, the knife sat too deep, and Mike was gone before Harvey could even get to him, leaving him with nothing but the shade of his blood in front of him every time he closes his eyes.

It’s the second time he has to deal with Mike’s death. He remembers it the moment he steps into the church for the funeral, every fiber of his body wishing he was somewhere else. From one second to the next, it’s all _there_. He remembers every life at once, all the times Mike walked away from him, and the one time he never had the chance to. It’s too much. The memories choke him, rendering him unable to breathe as he struggles to reconcile the age-old grief with his new one.

Two times. Two times he had to see the man he loves buried too soon.

He’s not sure he can handle a third time.

The funeral is terrible from start to finish, one of the worst days of all of Harvey’s lives. And it doesn’t stop there.

Going on after that is a struggle Harvey is not sure he can face some days. He’s not sure he wants to.

It's a long life for him, despite his best efforts to drink and work and recklessly maneuver himself into an early grave.

He hates every second of it.

*

The image of Mike’s blood rapidly leaking from his body follows him into his next life.

Harvey has seen a lot in his time, has more memories he wishes he could erase from his mind than he can count, but it’s this one in particular that haunts him, never letting him forget for a single day what it felt like to carry that loss.

Harvey is old now, so very old, and some days he feels every one of his past lives in his weary bones. He wishes for those times where he had no idea about the cycle he is trapped in, wishes to just this once feel the pain of one lifetime and nothing more, nothing at all.

Things are back to normal this time around, whatever that means.

Jessica plucks Harvey from the mail room. Harvey plucks Mike from the gutter.

They work together. They fight. They make up. Harvey saves Mike’s ass more than once. Mike saves his in return just as often.

Jessica leaves.

Mike marries Rachel.

Mike leaves.

Same old, same old.

It’s a bleak life for Harvey, his bones seeming to creak with the centuries he must have gone through by now, but at least Mike gets to live it.

He’s happy, Harvey thinks. There are ups and downs, as there always are, but he’s happy in the end.

He must be.

If Harvey isn’t, then that’s the least the universe can do.

*

“Mike? What are you doing here?”

Mike stuffs his hands into his pockets. He looks nervous. “I was just… can I come in?”

Harvey narrows his eyes, but holds the door open. “Of course.”

Mike goes straight through to the living room, and Harvey follows him, raising his brows when he stops in the middle of the room, hovering uncertainly. The sunlight coming through the windows breaks on his features, making him appear impossibly young and vulnerable. Or maybe that’s just the look in his eyes.

“Did something happen?”

Not that Mike isn’t welcome anytime, but he doesn’t usually show up here before eleven on a Saturday for no reason.

“No, no, nothing like that.” Mike scratches his neck, glancing at him through his lashes. “I…can we talk?”

“Sure,” Harvey says after a beat, sitting down when it becomes clear that Mike isn’t going to. He waits until he has done the same. “What about?”

Mike huffs out a nervous laugh. “I, um. Alright. I’ve been thinking. A lot. About… well, this.” He waves between them and then, when he sees that Harvey isn’t following, he adds, “Us.”

Harvey’s heart jolts in his chest. Mike’s eyes are fixed on him, gauging his reaction.

“Us?” he echoes.

Mike sucks in a sharp breath, squaring his shoulders. “Yeah. I know I’m probably about to ruin everything between us, but-“

“You’re not,” Harvey interrupts. When Mike meets his eyes, he adds softly, “You aren’t ruining anything. Nothing you can say could ever do that. Nothing.”

Mike’s throat bobs. He nods.

“Well, I… suppose I need to get this off my chest. I think…” He narrows his eyes in contemplation, exhaling deeply. “Life’s short, you know?”

Harvey almost laughs.

“So people say,” he gets out, managing to keep his voice level somehow.

“Yeah. I mean, it is. You take things for granted, but they can be ripped from you at any moment, right? And I thought, I of all people should know that.”

He taps his fingers against his knees, eyeing Harvey. “I guess I’m…”

“Rambling?” Harvey finishes lightly, and Mike chuckles, looking down.

“Yeah, I suppose I am. God. I don’t know what made me think I could do this. I’m not brave enough for this.”

“Hey.”

When Mike looks up, Harvey says, “You are without a doubt one of the bravest people I have ever met. Whatever you want to say, you can tell me. It’s okay.”

Mike nods, swallowing roughly. “Okay. Okay, yeah.”

He grips his knees, sitting up straight as he looks Harvey directly in the eye. He takes a deep breath. And then –

“I love you, Harvey. I'm so fucking in love with you. God, I’ve been in love with you for such a long time, you don’t even-“

He cuts off, taking a shuddering breath. In the brief silence, Harvey hears nothing but the sound of his own heartbeat.

“Look, I don’t know if this is- if you could ever feel like that about me. But I thought, if someone loved me this much, I’d want to know. Even if I didn’t feel the same. Even if it would make things awkward, which, I promise, they don’t need to be. I’d want to know. So I’m telling you. Because you deserve to know just how fucking loved you are. And I know it’s been years, and it feels like it’s taken me a lifetime to get there, but I just needed to tell you this.”

Harvey wants to laugh. Harvey wants to say, _You have no idea. You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you._

His heart races, a staccato rhythm making it soar in his chest as he sees everything with perfect clarity for the very first time.

He understands now. Finally, finally he understands.

It’s not Harvey who wasn’t ready. He has been ready for centuries, for aeons, for longer than he can fathom.

It was Mike who needed more time.

“Could you… could you say something, maybe?”

Harvey must have been quiet for too long. Mike looks entirely at a loss, gazing at him with so much uncertainty and nervousness that it practically leaks from him.

Harvey feels himself breaking into a grin, feels centuries of heartache fall away from him as he gets up, Mike’s eyes on him the only thing he sees.

“Come here,” he requests.

Mike gets up hesitantly. Harvey wants to kiss him more than he wants to draw breath.

He’s going to.

He cups Mike’s face when he stands before him, holding him like he's the most precious treasure in the world. Mike’s eyes are wide, his cheeks flushed, and his parted lips are so close to Harvey’s that he gets weak in the knees.

He halts, suddenly overcome by the overwhelming elation brimming in every cell of his body. He really gets to do this. At last he arrived where he was always supposed to be.

This is what was waiting for him at the end of the line.

All the years of longing, the lifetimes of waiting and yearning, they’re over. And now the best part is beginning.

“Don’t you know,” he murmurs, brushing Mike’s cheek with his thumb, “I’ve been waiting for you my entire life.”

Mike's breath hitches. He looks at him like he’s seeing the sun for the first time, like _Harvey_ is the one who just made a revelation that turned the entire world upside down.

“Well,” he says, and there’s wonder in his voice as he closes the distance between them to finally seal their lips together, “then I suppose it’s a good thing you can stop waiting now.”

*

Unsurprisingly, it's the last of Harvey's lives.

It's tumultuous, and rich, and fulfilling, and so full of Mike that Harvey isn't sure he could take it all in a second time.

There's sex, and laughter, and mornings spent in bed and epic fights and always, always coming home to each other, the way it should be. There’s love, so much of it that Harvey forgets what it was like to ever live without it. There’s moving in together, and getting married, and starting a family, and knowing every day he wakes up that he gets to hold the most valuable thing in the world right here in his hands.

It's the last of Harvey's lives. It's by far the best one he's had.

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this fic was inspired by [this poem](https://allpoetry.com/Unending-Love).
> 
> I've had this idea in my head for ages, so it was a real pleasure to write this for the prompt "Unfinished Business" in relation to We Stay, They Stay :) As always, English isn't my native language. Feel free to point out any mistakes! If you enjoyed the fic, have anything to say, or want to give me concrit, comments make me extremely happy! <3


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